Hour of the wolf (Vargtimmen)

The well-known Ingmar Bergman movie “Hour of the Wolf” has the tagline “"The Hour of the Wolf" is the hour between night and dawn. It is the hour when most people die. It is the hour when the sleepless are haunted by their deepest fear, when ghosts and demons are most powerful.”

It’s an accurate description.

Most people place the Hour of the Wolf, or Vargtimmen, at around 3am to 5am, depending on one’s schedule. Basically, it is the exact middle of the night, when most people are sleeping. It is no one hour, but the spirit of the definition is that it’s the time when the vast majority of people near you are sleeping.

The problem is, you’re not.

What can make the Hour of the Wolf spectacularly terrifying isn’t just being up at that time. It’s the profound sense of loneliness. It’s the self-doubt or focus on past regrets. Or maybe it’s the fear of the future. The wolf lurks underneath the fears and anxieties you’ve kept hidden from everyone else.

Essentially the Hour of the Wolf is the time, the “when”, that you feel most alone, afraid, and unsure. It’s when your most powerful foes are time and yourself. The stresses of the day, or maybe a day 20 years ago or 20 years from now, come at you teeth bared, and unlike during the daytime, there’s little you can do about it.

I myself confront the Wolf regularly. Not always, but certainly enough that I can predict if I’ll see him the night before. Because I keep such early hours, usually getting up between 4am and 5am, my Hour of the Wolf often starts around 2am. Looking out the window for signs of life is pathetic, and futile.

There is no true solution for fleeing from the Wolf. You cannot kill the Wolf, especially at the Hour. This is because the Wolf you see is, actually, your true self.

You are the Wolf.

Personal Annual Report – 2007

OVERVIEW
This year, my 38th, was among the best in my life. I made tremendous progress professionally, socially, and financially, and accomplished many goals. The two areas that admittedly slipped were physical fitness and family relations. Neither got dramatically worse, or worse at all, but they did not improve.

SPECIFIC AREAS
The largest accomplishment in 2007 was becoming a more prolific reader. I read 50 books this year:

Fahrenheit 451
Call of the Wild
Gandhi’s autobiography
Lord of the Flies
Think and Grow Rich
The Art of War
The War of Art
The Book of Five Rings
The Demon’s Sermon of the Martial Arts
The Unfettered Mind
The Great Gatsby
Bhagavad Gita
Animal Farm
A Clockwork Orange
The Sun Also Rises
SHAM (Self Help and Actualization Movement)
Invisible Man (by HG Wells)
Of Mice and Men
The Pearl
Modern Moral Philosophy
The Art of Learning
Bing-Fa, Martial Arts Strategy
Futhark: A Handbook of Rune Magic
Helping Himself (Horatio Alger)
Self Help by Samuel Smiles
Execution by Larry Bossidy
Living the 7 Habits by Stephen Covey
Stretching Scientifically by Thomas Kurz
The Swastika: Symbol Beyond Redemption?
Meditation for Dummies
Brave New World
As I Lay Dying
Slaughterhouse Five
Catch-22
Lolita
A Room with a View
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
The Maltese Falcon
Tobacco Road
Wind and Solar Power Systems
Heart of Darkness
Wide Sargasso Sea
Sundiata: An Epic of Old Mali
Darkness at Noon
The Concept of the Political
Ironweed
The Clean Tech Revolution
Sounder
Experience and Education
Journey to the East


The list demonstrates that I’ve been reading some classical works of fiction, but also some political works, and non-fiction. Ironically, I did much of my reading during “down times” where I wasn’t doing anything else. That type of efficiency is important to me because I want to ensure that I control my time, and I turn "down times" into productive packets of time. This is the concept of “fit”, where one seeks to find the right thing to do given time and space constraints. In 2008 I want to continue the habit of reading.

I consider the development of good habits and character to be very important to one’s future growth. Reading Gandhi’s autobiography was very influential to me. Positive lifestyle changes provide long lasting positive change. Major lifestyle changes developed in 2007 include the following:
• Became a vegetarian in May
• Started taking cold showers in May
• Went 100% renewable energy in my home
• Stretch about 3 times a week

In addition, I met some landmarks during the year:
• Received Shodan (Black Belt) in Japan
• Became a member of the Gallon club (donated a gallon of blood)
• Learned the Hiragana and Katakana (Japanese alphabets)
• Learned to solve the Rubik’s Cube

Other accomplishments include:
• Fasted for 30 hours in June
• Made 200 paper cranes
• Started a blog (with 34 entries)
• Opened an Etrade account just for Renewable Energy
• Funded microloans in Eastern Europe and South Asia
• Registered as an organ donor
• Improved my runecasting
• Did an Inipi sweat lodge
• Played over 20 games of pool
• Made a will
• Started a memoir and writing generally

Professionally, a number of positive developments occurred this year. My organization, a school, has gotten demonstrably better, much in part because of my improved ability to hire the right people. Back in March and April I transitioned one key person out, and transitioned, over time, a person who has fit far better. In addition, the culture of the school has improved, where staff is more on board. Most importantly, the students appear to be learning more. However, more data are required to verify this. Deep down, I more than ever am proud of the staff and enjoy seeing our creation produce excellent results. I love my job.

In terms of Social Consciousness and Philanthropy, I donated money to a Presidential candidate, and to a college, both of which with beliefs similar to my own. In addition, I continue to sponsor a child in a war-torn area of the world.

I have made some progress on the guitar, although not as much as I’d like. I continue to play roughly 5 times a week, but need to create a more structured study.

Financially, we are getting there! Our net worth rose about 30% in 2007.

Socially, I have solidified many professional relationships this year. These have created a very enriching, and ultimately more productive professional life.

OUTLOOK FOR 2008
I am a bit pessimistic that 2008 will turn out as well for a number of reasons. Because 2007 was so productive, it is expected that the next year will be slightly worse. In addition, just keeping up with the goals and habits I have developed will take much time and energy.

Beethoven's Ninth

A crowning achievement for Western Civilization, Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony is certainly one of the most important pieces of classical music in the world. It is one of my very favorites. The Ninth symphony puts me in a place no other piece of music puts me. It's all life's regrets, all its joys, and all its limitations in one. For me, it's absolutely terrifying, compressing one's entire life into roughly one hour. I want to be the subject of the ending chorus, and yet I envision it being sung as my redemption for a life poorly lived. As I listen, I am reduced to tears; it is music for which to die for.

It was Beethoven’s last symphony, conducted while totally deaf, and yet it is perfection. There are many versions; I vastly prefer the 1948 NBC broadcast with Arturo Tuscanini as conductor. You can watch Maestro’s performance on Youtube.

Nonetheless, it is still limited by being made of human. In a sense, its infinite joy only makes more evident our mortality and humanity. I think of this piece as one of the few that would do humanity proud if aliens uncover it.

Regret

Regret is a "mature" and complex emotion. Regret requires at least somewhat sustained reflection over time to ossify into a palpable feeling. Most interesting to me is that regret is nearly always born of thought, of intellectual rumination, rather than the more visceral emotions like happiness, or even heartbreak. However, the more emotional version of regret is guilt.

Regret is deeply internal. Most people hide their regrets like their good wines, and fear the day that sink into sharing them. Mostly, this is because the more externally-derived form, shame, is impossible to contain. Public information takes on a life of its own.

Regret is also a “high class” emotion. One needs to have a certain level of intellectual wherewithal to review past decisions and actions. Only upon doing so would one consider the permutations and combinations of events that could have created a better future. Of course, there’s no guarantees, and hindsight is 20/20, so often people wish they could change their past without really knowing if that change would have been better at all.

Regret also requires time, which conjures a connection with wisdom. As I age, I find that life’s ups and downs teach lessons far more powerfully, and painfully, than any textbook.

Interestingly, people uniformly acknowledge regret for both actions taken as well as actions not taken. Life’s errors of commission seem to have an inherent reward based solely on the action and will, while the errors of omission (regretting that which you did not do) have the added pain of inaction, of paralysis, of the odor of death.

There’s an old proverb, “A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams”. I agree with it, and proudly consider myself old based on it. With no regrets.